crushes

I really hate liking people. It’s such an inconvenience to myself.

It takes me so long to admit that I like someone, and even then, it’s only when there’s the possibility that they might like me back.

I also hate how my behaviour changes with the person. Every single male I know has told me that they’re really afraid of “clingy” girls, and I’m so scared to become that clingy girl that I accidentally become really cold. With any other person I’m pretty loud and happy and I’m not embarrassed to say stuff like “aww that’s cute” or “you look so good!” or even “I’m so glad to see you again!” which are such normal things to say. But suddenly I just can’t, even in situations where it would be appropriate, if not polite. I hung out with The Boy today, and he’d been away for 2 weeks with intermittent wifi, and I really did miss him and was so excited to meet him again. I wanted to just be like “oh, I’ve missed you!” but my mouth and brain went into panic mode when I saw him and I just immediately started complaining about how complicated the layout of the building was. Then he said “oh, I got something for you but I forgot to bring it!” and I wanted to say “thank you, I really appreciate that” but I kinda just waved it away muttering “it’s okay” because of the “I forgot to bring it”. In my head I’m always like “don’t make them feel obligated don’t make them feel obligated to be nice” to the point where I can’t even accept a simple compliment or even react positively to it.

Not to say I didn’t have a nice time, but I just wish I wasn’t so horribly awkward with him.

Letter to The Boy, which he’ll probably never see:

Dear Boy,

Thank you for lunch today. My heart was literally galloping in my chest and it took me literal days to get up the courage to ask if you wanted to hang out, so thank you for saying yes. Thank you for waiting for me, and you looked good. Thank you for complimenting my dress. I was insecure about it, but you gave me the confidence to wear it tomorrow for church.

I wanted to ask you about your trip, but I didn’t want to pressure you into talking so I stayed quiet. Thank you for being 14min late for your Christmas party. I don’t know if you did it on purpose, but I really appreciate any time I get to spend with you. Thank you so much for buying me something on your holiday. I’m really touched you even thought about me, and I will love it no matter what it is.

Thank you for saying we can have dinner and movie some other time. Because now I know you don’t mind hanging out again. Thank you for saying you would have invited me to this party if you could, and thank you for saying you’d try to invite me in the future. It means a lot to know you don’t find me a burden.

I’d like to hang out with you more. I love talking to you and you make me laugh. I try really hard to make you laugh, too, because I love seeing you happy. I get very, very scared that you find me a burden to message, and I’m also very scared that one day you will stop replying without telling me why. Yet, thank you for messaging me every day even though you hate messaging people. I smile when I see the notification with your name on it. You are the only person I regularly talk to online because I hate messaging people too. Your chat wallpaper makes me very happy because I’m in it. Change it if you want… but please don’t. I’m sorry I’m so bad at expressing myself, and that I seem colder than when we first met. It’s just that I like you more, and therefore am more scared of what you think of me, and therefore try too hard to control my behaviour lest you think that I’m clingy or creepy. I really want to tell you this in real life, but it’s gonna take a while.

Until then.

From,

Me.

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1801 // texts

scene: a classroom. Fans whirring. Pens clicking. Teacher nattering. Otherwise- dead silence.

Girl, about eighteen, stain on her shirt, crumpled collar, rumpled spirit. Glances around. Takes out phone. Begins texting. 

get me out of here omg 

Girl puts phone facedown on desk. Seconds later, phone buzzes. Phone is picked up. She glances at the screen, reading the message.

– ten more minutes.

– it’s been, like, ten days and she still hasn’t shut up

– u got this

– no i don’t

– yes u do

– no i don’t i’m about to die

– really?

– yea

– oh.

– i’m serious i wanna kill myself

– u don’t have the guts

– try me

Phone goes silent. Two minutes later, screen lights up with a new message.

– people can do anything they set their mind to

– except listen to her 

A pause. The girl looks up. The teacher has stopped talking, is looking at her. She puts the phone in her lap. Teacher turns back to board. Girl picks up phone again.

almost got caught. 

– serve u right

– ok????? rude much

– i was joking.

– i hope u get caught texting

Silence for a while.

– same.

– lol what 

– imagine if someone walked by me right now

– lol you’d be screwed

– maybe. 

– u know u would be.

– btw i was joking about u getting caught 

– i know. Where r u now

– idk. 

– ? 

– i kinda just wandered here.

– what do u mean

– idk where i am.

– ?? how can u not know. r u in school

– no.

– what why

– i’m just kidding.

Phone goes silent for the third time. The girl waits, eyes narrowed, at the phone screen. Did her friend cut school? Then, a message pops up.

– i was joking. i’m in maths.

– damn. 

– yea. Sucks. 

– life sucks.

– yea.

– what topic?

– why do u need to know

– i’m just curious

– oh.

Phone falls silent again as the girl waits for elaboration. She scratches her nose, then picks up her pen and draws a squiggly line across the paper to pretend she’s doing something. Phone buzzes.

– do u ever feel like

– ?

– do u ever feel like

– what

– like

– ?? 

– nvm.

– tell me!!!!

– like your life is so meaningless 

?

– like no matter what u do you’re never gonna get anywhere or do anything 

– i mean i’m in physics right now

– but i dont mean that kind of thing, i mean… have u ever felt like u just couldn’t take any more from life and you’ve failed so many times at everything you love and

– and?

– and that everything was so unfair and that you just kinda wanted to

– ?

– nvm lol. Maths vibes

u ok? 

– yea i’m fine. go back to work.

– u sure u all right? 

– i will be, just need some time

– see u in the canteen? If u have time

– ok. See you.

– deal? Don’t abandon me like u did last time

– i’ll consider

– u better not

Girl puts phone back on the table. She is mildly worried, but brushes the feeling aside. It will pass.

Scene change: a rooftop. It’s early afternoon. The air is hot and full of birdsong and the smell of pollution. 

Another girl is there. Tall, big eyes, slippers. Hasn’t brushed her hair. Her phone dangles thoughtfully from her fingers and sweat clings to her neck. She steps forward, looks down. Blinks. Looks at her phone. Thinks a moment. Types a word, and deletes it, and types it in again. Drops her phone on the ground. It cracks.

A bird swoops past. The girl hesitates. Another bird flies past.

The girl squares her shoulders, and takes a deep breath. Chokes on it and the weight of her decisions. She clenches her fists. They are trembling. The girl lets out a breath. Steps forward.  Joins the birds in their flight. 

. . .

Phone lies on the ground, broken screen, but with the texts still legible. If you picked it up, you’d be able to read the last message she ever sent.

sorry man, i ran out of time.