crushes

I really hate liking people. It’s such an inconvenience to myself.

It takes me so long to admit that I like someone, and even then, it’s only when there’s the possibility that they might like me back.

I also hate how my behaviour changes with the person. Every single male I know has told me that they’re really afraid of “clingy” girls, and I’m so scared to become that clingy girl that I accidentally become really cold. With any other person I’m pretty loud and happy and I’m not embarrassed to say stuff like “aww that’s cute” or “you look so good!” or even “I’m so glad to see you again!” which are such normal things to say. But suddenly I just can’t, even in situations where it would be appropriate, if not polite. I hung out with The Boy today, and he’d been away for 2 weeks with intermittent wifi, and I really did miss him and was so excited to meet him again. I wanted to just be like “oh, I’ve missed you!” but my mouth and brain went into panic mode when I saw him and I just immediately started complaining about how complicated the layout of the building was. Then he said “oh, I got something for you but I forgot to bring it!” and I wanted to say “thank you, I really appreciate that” but I kinda just waved it away muttering “it’s okay” because of the “I forgot to bring it”. In my head I’m always like “don’t make them feel obligated don’t make them feel obligated to be nice” to the point where I can’t even accept a simple compliment or even react positively to it.

Not to say I didn’t have a nice time, but I just wish I wasn’t so horribly awkward with him.

Letter to The Boy, which he’ll probably never see:

Dear Boy,

Thank you for lunch today. My heart was literally galloping in my chest and it took me literal days to get up the courage to ask if you wanted to hang out, so thank you for saying yes. Thank you for waiting for me, and you looked good. Thank you for complimenting my dress. I was insecure about it, but you gave me the confidence to wear it tomorrow for church.

I wanted to ask you about your trip, but I didn’t want to pressure you into talking so I stayed quiet. Thank you for being 14min late for your Christmas party. I don’t know if you did it on purpose, but I really appreciate any time I get to spend with you. Thank you so much for buying me something on your holiday. I’m really touched you even thought about me, and I will love it no matter what it is.

Thank you for saying we can have dinner and movie some other time. Because now I know you don’t mind hanging out again. Thank you for saying you would have invited me to this party if you could, and thank you for saying you’d try to invite me in the future. It means a lot to know you don’t find me a burden.

I’d like to hang out with you more. I love talking to you and you make me laugh. I try really hard to make you laugh, too, because I love seeing you happy. I get very, very scared that you find me a burden to message, and I’m also very scared that one day you will stop replying without telling me why. Yet, thank you for messaging me every day even though you hate messaging people. I smile when I see the notification with your name on it. You are the only person I regularly talk to online because I hate messaging people too. Your chat wallpaper makes me very happy because I’m in it. Change it if you want… but please don’t. I’m sorry I’m so bad at expressing myself, and that I seem colder than when we first met. It’s just that I like you more, and therefore am more scared of what you think of me, and therefore try too hard to control my behaviour lest you think that I’m clingy or creepy. I really want to tell you this in real life, but it’s gonna take a while.

Until then.

From,

Me.

Advertisements

on dreams and babies

Dreams are truly very odd things. One moment you’re in a world run by the laws of physics and the next moment you could be flying over a forest of dinosaurs and trees of pink candy floss.

I usually enjoy dreaming, but lately I’ve only been able to have nightmares of exams and failing papers. I don’t know if that’s life catching up to me, or if my imagination is so overworked trying to come up with overly fabricated interpretations of the simplest literature texts that it just doesn’t have the energy to actually make something up.

It’s also odd how we forget dreams so quickly. I will wake up in a daze, genuinely believing that I just spent the past few hours watching the Northern Lights with my pet penguin, but five minutes later I’ll be brushing my teeth and George or whatever name my brain decided to endow the penguin with will have totally cast the whole thing out of my mind.

Where do dreams go? Do they join all of our missing socks somewhere in some mysterious black hole of forgotten memories? Why do dreams go?

Babies are also really, really cute. I’m super obsessed with baby names at the moment, and I’ve decided I’m gonna name my first girl Nikola (nicknamed Nika), Eira or Erin, and my first boy Rhys or Leo. Probably Rhys. I also like Rowan for either sex. If anyone has any baby names to share please do, I would love to hear them!

0051 // names

I used to write a lot (occasionally still do) and one of my favourite parts of it was picking out names for all my characters. Twelve-year-old me spent hours scrolling through articles with titles like “Nature Baby Names” or “Top Ten Unique Names to Give Your Child”. I still love names, and thought I would just put a few of my favourite names here. Side note: these are all names I would conceivably give my children, so there aren’t many names that are too hard to pronounce/too high-fantasy or wattpad-fanfictiony sounding.

Boys

I’m starting with boys’ names because- to me- they’re a little boring and limited compared to girls’ names. It’s like how when you eat your dinner and you eat the vegetables first to get them over and done with, and save the mashed potatoes for last.

  1. Nicholas
    Origin: Greek
    Meaning: 
    Victory of the people
    Why I like it: It sounds vaguely Russian.
  2. Alexander
    Origin: Greek
    Meaning: Defender of the people
    Why I like it: Can be shortened to Alex, and I like how Germans pronounce it.
  3. David
    Origin: Hebrew
    Meaning: Beloved
    Why I like it: I think it would be an honour to carry the name.
  4. Rhys
    Origin: Welsh
    Meaning: Ardour
    Why I like it: It just sounds really nice.
  5. Kade
    Origin: American
    Meaning: This one has a pretty weird meaning- “stout person”.
    Why I like it: It sounds so friendly and chill. Kade is the guy everyone wants to hang out with after school.

Girls

  1. Zosia
    Origin: Polish
    Meaning: Dimunitive of Zofia, meaning “wisdom”
    Why I like it: The main female character in the book “Sophie’s Choice” (William Styron) is called Zosia by her family, and I love the book and the sound of the name.
  2. Sorrel
    Origin: Germanic
    Meaning: Brown, chestnut
    Why I like it: This also came from a book (“A Dark Dividing”, Sarah Rayne). The mother wasn’t sure what to name one of her twins, and was thinking of “Violet” but decided she didn’t want a weak, shy name, so she thought of the plant wood sorrel and named her child after that instead. It’s a nice-sounding name, and it’s also really suggestive of the English countryside and good, strong earth to me.
  3. Nika
    Origin: Persian/Green
    Meaning: Good/Victory
    Why I like it: It’s a Russian name.
  4. Eira
    Origin: Welsh
    Meaning: Stemmed from Norse goddess Eir, means “snow”.
    Why I like itIt sounds really light and fresh.
  5. Cassia
    Origin: Greek
    Meaning: Cinnamon
    Why I like it: Sounds and looks really pretty.
  6. Mica
    Origin: Latin
    Meaning: Old friend
    Why I like it: Long-standing favourite.
  7. Cari
    Origin: Turkish
    Meaning: Flows like water
    Why I like it: Sounds nice.

Unisex

  1. Kai
    Origin: Hawaiian
    Meaning: Ocean
    Why I like itI really love the sea, so the meaning obviously draws me in, and it’s also just really simple and easy to say and remember. Kai.
  2. Fox
    Origin: English
    Meaning: …well, fox, I suppose
    Why I like it: Realistically speaking, I probably wouldn’t name my kid Fox (think of the teasing) but I just really like the name. I would legitimately name myself Fox.