I really hate liking people. It’s such an inconvenience to myself.

It takes me so long to admit that I like someone, and even then, it’s only when there’s the possibility that they might like me back.

I also hate how my behaviour changes with the person. Every single male I know has told me that they’re really afraid of “clingy” girls, and I’m so scared to become that clingy girl that I accidentally become really cold. With any other person I’m pretty loud and happy and I’m not embarrassed to say stuff like “aww that’s cute” or “you look so good!” or even “I’m so glad to see you again!” which are such normal things to say. But suddenly I just can’t, even in situations where it would be appropriate, if not polite. I hung out with The Boy today, and he’d been away for 2 weeks with intermittent wifi, and I really did miss him and was so excited to meet him again. I wanted to just be like “oh, I’ve missed you!” but my mouth and brain went into panic mode when I saw him and I just immediately started complaining about how complicated the layout of the building was. Then he said “oh, I got something for you but I forgot to bring it!” and I wanted to say “thank you, I really appreciate that” but I kinda just waved it away muttering “it’s okay” because of the “I forgot to bring it”. In my head I’m always like “don’t make them feel obligated don’t make them feel obligated to be nice” to the point where I can’t even accept a simple compliment or even react positively to it.

Not to say I didn’t have a nice time, but I just wish I wasn’t so horribly awkward with him.

Letter to The Boy, which he’ll probably never see:

Dear Boy,

Thank you for lunch today. My heart was literally galloping in my chest and it took me literal days to get up the courage to ask if you wanted to hang out, so thank you for saying yes. Thank you for waiting for me, and you looked good. Thank you for complimenting my dress. I was insecure about it, but you gave me the confidence to wear it tomorrow for church.

I wanted to ask you about your trip, but I didn’t want to pressure you into talking so I stayed quiet. Thank you for being 14min late for your Christmas party. I don’t know if you did it on purpose, but I really appreciate any time I get to spend with you. Thank you so much for buying me something on your holiday. I’m really touched you even thought about me, and I will love it no matter what it is.

Thank you for saying we can have dinner and movie some other time. Because now I know you don’t mind hanging out again. Thank you for saying you would have invited me to this party if you could, and thank you for saying you’d try to invite me in the future. It means a lot to know you don’t find me a burden.

I’d like to hang out with you more. I love talking to you and you make me laugh. I try really hard to make you laugh, too, because I love seeing you happy. I get very, very scared that you find me a burden to message, and I’m also very scared that one day you will stop replying without telling me why. Yet, thank you for messaging me every day even though you hate messaging people. I smile when I see the notification with your name on it. You are the only person I regularly talk to online because I hate messaging people too. Your chat wallpaper makes me very happy because I’m in it. Change it if you want… but please don’t. I’m sorry I’m so bad at expressing myself, and that I seem colder than when we first met. It’s just that I like you more, and therefore am more scared of what you think of me, and therefore try too hard to control my behaviour lest you think that I’m clingy or creepy. I really want to tell you this in real life, but it’s gonna take a while.

Until then.




on dreams and babies

Dreams are truly very odd things. One moment you’re in a world run by the laws of physics and the next moment you could be flying over a forest of dinosaurs and trees of pink candy floss.

I usually enjoy dreaming, but lately I’ve only been able to have nightmares of exams and failing papers. I don’t know if that’s life catching up to me, or if my imagination is so overworked trying to come up with overly fabricated interpretations of the simplest literature texts that it just doesn’t have the energy to actually make something up.

It’s also odd how we forget dreams so quickly. I will wake up in a daze, genuinely believing that I just spent the past few hours watching the Northern Lights with my pet penguin, but five minutes later I’ll be brushing my teeth and George or whatever name my brain decided to endow the penguin with will have totally cast the whole thing out of my mind.

Where do dreams go? Do they join all of our missing socks somewhere in some mysterious black hole of forgotten memories? Why do dreams go?

Babies are also really, really cute. I’m super obsessed with baby names at the moment, and I’ve decided I’m gonna name my first girl Nikola (nicknamed Nika), Eira or Erin, and my first boy Rhys or Leo. Probably Rhys. I also like Rowan for either sex. If anyone has any baby names to share please do, I would love to hear them!


Kind of interesting how on a video about a woman discriminated against for her accent when she speaks English has so many comments which kind of “devalue” her experience in a way? A lot of (I assume) people of colour were commenting and saying “oh I get judged before I even open my mouth” or “at least she still looks like them”. That’s a little sad because here you have this woman who’s so affected by the discrimination she faces in everyday life until she’s actually asking an accent coach to change her English accent at her age (which is very, very hard), and people who have also experienced discrimination (albeit in a different way) are not encouraging her but instead disparaging her efforts. I feel like people see being discriminated against some kind of “contest”; like, “oh, I’m more oppressed than you are so I’m more valid” like what that’s so weird you have your own battles others have theirs?

I understand feeling bitter about the woman being able to change (to a certain extent) her accent while you can’t change your skin colour/appearance, but firstly, it’s not that easy to change one’s accent, especially as an adult, and secondly, shouldn’t you be able to relate to the erasure of her culture/her being shamed for something that is a natural part of her to the point where she is embarassed of her heritage and background?
I suppose as someone of a majority race it’s not really my place to make judgements but it’s just quite sad that the world is so full of hate and divisions nowadays to the point where people even get angry when they don’t agree with other people’s experience of oppression… which is kind of weird. 

Not saying those people who experienced “oppression” for being Trump supporters have any excuse. That was really just ridiculous. If you’re discriminated against for supporting a racist bigot and support discriminatory policies against Mexicans you kind of deserve not to be served your burritos by one of those people whose mothers you indirectly got deported.

book names

My friend and I were talking about names during a Biology lecture, and I decided to do a thing where I would list names that I liked inspired by certain themes, like books or mythology or science. Just thought it would be fun, and maybe if you were looking for a name for a pet or something this post could help. I’m not gonna do girl and guy names separately; it’s gonna be a mishmash of names.

1) Sorrel (Sarah Rayne, A Dark Dividing)

A bit of a morbid one, I suppose, but in the book, Sorrel is one of a pair of conjoined twins (Viola and Sorrel) born in 1900 who were sold to a “freak show” by their father. She was named Sorrel after the plant woodsorrel, and I always thought it was a very lovely-sounding, unique name. I associate it with images of the English countryside and clean air and bicycles.

2) Pip (Charles Dickens, Great Expectations)

While I wouldn’t necessarily name a child Pip, I think it’s an adorable name for a pet (a mouse/hamster/rat?) and a great nickname, especially for someone called Phillip (which is Pip’s actual name in the novel). Pip is an extremely flawed character- in fact, I found him hard to like, but through the novel, the reader kind of watches him grow and mature from an innocent child to misguided young adult to a sadder, but wiser man, and you end up loving him anyway. It’s an interesting journey.

3) Daenerys (George R. R. Martin, A Song of Ice and Fire)

Many people will probably be familiar with the name of Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons. She tames dragons. She’s amazing. Boom. Plus you can nickname someone with this name Dany which is really cute too.

4) Elinor and Marianne (Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility)

Two sisters, polar opposites, best friends. They go through a lot in the novel, and they go through it together. I think it would be nice for sisters, or even two pets who live together (for some reason, goldfish come to mind).

5) Kane (Rick Riordan, The Kane Chronicles)

Surname of the Kane siblings. They’re vessels for the Egyptian gods and goddesses, and their parents are Isis (kind of the queen goddess and supposedly the mother of every pharaoh) and Osiris (god of the dead/underworld). Cool stuff.

6) Nico (Rick Riordan, Percy Jackson)

Son of Hades. Need I say more?

6) Zosia (William Styron, Sophie’s Choice)

One of the main characters in the novel. She’s called Sophie, and her Polish nickname is Zosia. She’s a Polish concentration camp survivor, and is characterised as vivacious, sweet, funny and kind, but also extremely broken. It’s a highly interesting character. It’s pronounced Zoe-sha, which I think is very pretty.

7) Nemo (Jules Verne, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea)

No, this isn’t a Finding Nemo reference. Captain Nemo was the mysterious captain of the Nautlius, a gigantic submarine that sails all around the world. He is extremely knowledgeable about the ocean, and has renounced living on dry land in favour of living in the sea. Cute name for a pet, not so much for a human.

8) Scout (Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird)

Inquisitive, tomboyish narrator of one of the best novels ever written. We see the world of racism in a small town in 1960s America through her eyes.

street harassment and boys in my school

Honestly, I’m a very optimistic person most of the time, so I really didn’t want to write this sentence, but I’m gonna write it anyway.

I’m so disappointed in humanity.

I see loads of videos with titles like “30 minutes walking down the street as a woman in New York” or “woman responds to catcalling”. Where I come from, I don’t think street harassment or “catcalling” is that much of an issue, so to be honest, I kinda saw those videos more as clickbait than being indicative of any serious problem. At most, I saw it as something happening to people very far removed from me and my life, and I didn’t pay attention to it. Furthermore, I felt that the people in the videos often “overreacted” to their experiences- like, it’s just some guy being rude, ignore him.

This video, however, really changed my mindset. It starts off as a completely normal vlog, very aesthetically pleasing shots, super casual and relaxed vibes- then, suddenly, when Arabella (the YouTuber) and her friend sit down to some coffee and cake at a cute little picturesque cafe, we see some men in the background yelling and gesturing at them. Later, we find out that one of these men actually approached Arabella, then, when she tried to ignore him, went back to his buddies and started hurling verbal abuse and throwing objects at the two ladies.

I learnt three things from this video:

  1. Street harassment can happen to you anytime, anywhere. It was a totally normal day for Arabella- she just wanted to have a nice lunch with her girlfriend, and yet she has to deal with rowdy, drunken men at two in the afternoon trying to “get in” with a complete stranger who clearly was not comfortable with their advances.
  2. She was extremely calm and measured when discussing the issue, presenting it as it happened and acknowledging that as far as street harassment goes, it could have been worse and is worse for many people, but still refusing to take it as a joke or light-hearted incident, because it definitely was not.
  3. The women in the video were scared and couldn’t do anything because they didn’t want to antagonise the men, who, for all they knew, could have been carrying some weapon. I always used to wonder why the people being harassed never did anything, so this was a real lightbulb moment for me.

Before this, I never thought catcalling was a real problem because I was always of the opinion that people could, you know, just “brush it off”. But now I realise, after some reflection, that the real issue here is not the catcalling itself. It is the mentality behind the catcalling, the mentality that it is okay to harass someone like that on the streets and threaten someone like that on the streets. I definitely want to steer clear from saying that this is something that only happens to women and is only perpetuated by men, because I’m sure there are loads of horrible people of all sexes and races who have this horrendous mindset that it’s somehow okay to treat a human being in such a way. To me, the issue of catcalling is simply a manifestation of two deeper societal issues, which are:

  1. The inability of so many to see things from other people’s point of view.
  2. The lack of respect we have for each other as human beings.

After watching the video, I started thinking because I wanted to share my thoughts as well, but was worried that I didn’t have enough exposure to or understanding of this topic to treat it as it ought to be treated. After some consideration, however, I realised I (unfortunately) do have certain experiences that can help me relate.

Being an eighteen-year-old student who has been in a girls’ school for almost her entire academic life and only entered a mixed school last year, it was a culture shock for me to see how much the environment differed in terms of behaviour (of both boys and girls) as well as mindsets and opinions.

To be fair, a huge amount of my school’s student population comes from single-gender schools as well, so perhaps the environment in single-gender schools simply tends to breed a certain ignorance about the other sex. But honestly, some of the things I heard and brushed aside until now are just so shocking that I’m surprised I haven’t started some kind of feminist uprising in the middle of the canteen yet.

One thing that really, really shocked me was something that happened far too many times. I was, on several separate occasions, talking with some of my close guy friends, and they all asked me something that was so horrendous I had a physical reaction to it. The gist of what they all said was, “why are girls so traumatised by being raped?”

I literally cannot tell you enough how floored I was by the question. I was actually, genuinely, incredibly shocked that they even asked this question. I started explaining to them the psychological trauma it could cause, the physical pain, etc., but from what I could tell, they weren’t really willing to take me seriously and one even joked about how males wouldn’t be affected by being raped at all. One guy even disagreed with me on the grounds that he wouldn’t mind being raped by a woman. I honestly had so many problems with his response, not only because he had a fundamental misunderstanding of rape and the situations in which it occurred, but also because he somehow thought that his personal opinion allowed him to disagree with a legion of psychological and medical evidence as well as personal testimonies from victims that rape was hugely damaging to a person, no matter their sex. I also had a problem with the way that some of the guys made light of the situation, devaluing the experiences of the people traumatised by rape. One guy seemed faintly irritated that I was trying to explain to him the gravity of rape and told me to change the subject.

Another incident occurred fairly recently. My class was on our way to PE (or gym, as I believe they call it in America), and we were discussing how my friend’s (let’s call her Friend A) cousin-in-law wouldn’t let his wife (my friend’s cousin) work, and how her cousin was okay with it because she said he was “treating me like a queen”. I was exclaiming over this with my friend when one of my other female friends, Friend B, cut in with a “what’s so bad about that? He’s treating her like a queen.” Friend A and I literally spun around with WHAT did you just say??? written all over our faces. Friend B genuinely did not see any problem with the situation, and we tried our best to explain to her why it was problematic even if the cousin didn’t see it as such. I think (I hope) she understood, because that’s such a dangerous mindset to have.

The problem wasn’t that Friend A’s cousin was not working. The problem was that her husband did not allow her to work. If she had chosen not to work and her husband had agreed to this, that would have been fine. This was, however, a case of her husband not letting her work. It turned out okay for her in this specific situation because she didn’t want to work anyway, but there are so many things wrong with this kind of mindset in the husband. He may think he’s “treating her like a princess”, but all he’s doing is taking away her power of choice, her autonomy, and potentially, her financial freedom, which she as a human being has a right to. Just because his choice happens to coincide with her personal wishes does not make it the correct one.

There are so many women in the world who are trapped in a marriage because of the lack of education and opportunities for women in countries that still see women as second-class citizens. In some places, girls are still all too often seen either as financial burdens, a means of reproduction, and sex objects. This is all because of the “alpha male” mentality of how guys are the ones who provide for the household, and therefore the ones who are higher up in the social hierarchy than mere women. By not allowing his wife to work, the man is perpetuating this mindset, and will more than likely pass it on to his children, who will pass it on to theirs and so on. It’s not fair to, firstly, the woman, for obvious reasons, secondly (especially in this day and age where the cost of living is so high), the men, who will always feel pressured to be the sole provider for the family and cannot accept that his wife could be able to lighten his financial burden, and thirdly, any children they might have.

Plus, there are so many guys in my school who just have the most disgusting attitude towards females, and loads of them are from all-boys schools. One of my friends, who is extremely pretty, is basically being stalked by this guy who thinks its somehow okay to show up at her house at all hours of the day, literally sit and wait for hours with a friend on the pavement next to her house for her to show up and invite him in or even go to the field behind her house and play loud music to attract her attention when she doesn’t respond. Another guy, whom she has outright rejected, still thinks it’s okay to literally follow her around even when she’s totally ignoring him, hug herand lie to his “bros” that he’s dating her to impress them.

Oh, yeah, let’s not forget about the time this guy said that the patriarchy exists because girls all have the innate knowledge that they are inferior to males.

There are really just so many instances of irritating, misogynistic males in my school that I could easily write a 5,000 word essay about it, but I don’t have the inclination nor the time.

Summary of this post: a female is not an “item” your boast about having. There’s a difference between “suppressing” your partner and “pampering” your partner. Rape is never okay. Objectifying another human being is never okay. Respect all. Try to understand other people’s views. You are not the only person in the world whose opinion matters. 

This is why education is so important. The school environment plays a huge role in shaping people’s perceptions and opinions, and if we shy away from addressing such issues, we are basically going to perpetuate ignorance on a huge scale.

Note: this is in no way meant to target any specific sex or group of people at all. These are simply my observations and thoughts. If you have anything to say about this topic, whether you disagree or agree with anything I’m saying, please do leave a comment so we can perhaps exchange views and have a mini discussion!

Thanks for wading through this whole thing, guys. Y’all rock, seriously.